The Lemonade Diet

Now look here, I am not a diet junkie. As I have yet to find a diet plan that includes cake, I typically abstain from the ridiculous swings in popular weight loss regimens. However, faced with my upcoming nuptials I decided that a little effort must be made, lest my gigantic triceps take up too much room in the pictures. I simply will not pay a photographer $3,000 for photos of my fat arms. End of story.

Naturally I decided something must be done and that the first step would be to cleanse my system of all toxins, sort of start with a clean slate. Now, y'all know I have not missed a meal in my life, and were some extenuating circumstance to render me unable to eat during my regularly scheduled feeding hours, to be sure I would make up for any missed nutrients at the following meal. So it may surprise you to hear that I chose to de-tox with The Master Cleanser Diet, which is basically just drinking this homemade lemonade all day for 10 days.

Yes, I realize alarm bells should have gone off here, but visions of strapless dresses danced through my head and I thought, "how hard can it be?" HA! Let me tell you something, never, NEVER believe any diet that tells you that you won't be hungry when you aren't eating. What a load of crap. By mid-morning I was about ready to gnaw my own arm off. Of course I was in a lovely mood, as long you didn't speak to me, look at me, or exist in my general direction.

But I am here to tell you, I did it! I didn't have a thing but lemonade...until lunch. Look, I will do many things in the name of vanity, I mean for the love of God I spent $200 dollars last week on foundation and eye shadow because I felt pale, but there is absolutely no reason whatsoever for me to deprive myself of essential nutrients, it's just not right. (And, well, Sweetpotato had gone into hiding thinking of the last time he didn't order my breakfast immediately upon waking and nearly drew back a nub when he tried to steal a bite of my muffin.)

De-tox be damned. One should never follow dieting advice from a man who thinks a normal meal consists of raw vegetables and nuts. Steak was meant to be eaten and vegetables were meant to be casseroled! Fortunately Sweetpotato is a Photoshop whiz and since folks will believe just about anything they see in a picture, I can trim all the fat I want one pixel at a time!!